- Jacqui Redner can’t wait to see what Christmas gifts her sons, George and Josh, will get this year.
Jacqui Redner She is sure someone will get Josh, her sports-loving conspiracy theorist, an alien-themed ornament. No doubt George, her St. Patrick-loving first responder, will get something Irish or new firefighter items.- She bought the boys each a sign for their favorite NFL team. George gets one for the Philadelphia Eagles and Josh gets one for the Carolina Panthers.
- But the gifts won’t be waiting under the family’s Christmas tree; they will be left at the men’s shared grave.
- George “Reds” Redner III died in 2015 at age 27. Younger brother Josh died earlier this year at 28.
- This year is the third Christmas that Redner and her husband, also named George, and their family will make their way to Resurrection Cemetery in Bensalem to celebrate the holidays with George, and now Josh.
- There will be a fresh-cut evergreen tree. Christmas-themed solar lights. Custom-made grave blankets featuring sports and firefighter themes. So many old, and new, ornaments, left not only by family, but friends.
- “Every ornament tells a story and it’s a personal story that someone had, a story they had. A memory they had. They are precious to us,” Jacqui Redner said. “It’s another side we get to see that we didn’t know. Now I have those memories, too."Lower
- Grave decorating, particularly on special holidays, is a practice with a long presence in American and European folklore, according to cultural and religious experts. Ancient Greeks put flowers at the gravesites of warriors. Mourners honored the U.S. Civil War dead by cleaning graves and leaving American flags and flowers. Mexican Catholics have long engaged in elaborate graveside decorating for All Souls Day.
- “Regardless of real or perceived origins for these decorating practices, one notion hard to ignore is that the visible presence of others similarly engaged provides a sense of appropriateness and acceptability to maintaining a strong emotional tie with the deceased,” according to an academic paper presented at the American Folklore Society meeting in 1998.
- “As everyone knows, holidays — particularly this time of year — can be very hard for those who grieve,” said Temple University religion professor Lucy Bregman, who teaches about death and dying.
- “Grave visits and decorations are a reminder that the dead still are linked to the times and seasons of family life. For us, it is certainly better than to have a place set for them at the dinner table, when their absence is so visible.”
- The grieving process is a highly individualized thing, said Marianne Kepler, a psychology professor at Bucks County Community College.
- For people who experience sudden or a recent loss, just visiting a gravesite might stir up difficult or painful memories. In those cases, it’s understandable why someone might avoid visiting the cemetery, Kepler said.
- Others might find visiting or elaborately decorating gravesites during the holidays gives them time to connect with, reflect on and honor loved ones and keep them a part of holiday traditions. But when holiday celebrations exclusively center on grave visits, it can be a warning sign that someone is stuck in the grieving process, Kepler added.
- “Life is dynamic and life is changing,” Kepler said. “People leave and people come. Births come, people come into the family, new friendships, and it’s important to keep that freshness there.”
- The first Christmas after George died, the family had not yet had his headstone placed, Redner said. So they bought a small, live Christmas tree to mark his grave. Redner then put out a post on social media telling friends about the tree and asking them to put an ornament on it that reminded them of George.
- Redner and her husband left the first ornament: a beer mug decorated with shamrocks. More were quickly hung — a jeweled shamrock, a firefighter’s helmet, a fire truck. The family left zip-ties in a plastic bag at the grave so people could secure the ornaments to the tree.
- “Every time we came up there, there was another ornament,” she said. “It does help to see the ornaments.”
- George and Jacqui Redner, of Bristol Township, decorate the graves of their sons at Resurrection Cemetery for Christmas. Video by Art Gentile and Jo Ciavaglia bit.ly/2C19S5d
- The family has kept George a part of its family Christmas tree, as well. The first holiday after his death, after Josh and her other three sons put up the Christmas tree that year, Josh handed his mom a tomato ornament, Redner said.
- “Why did you get a tomato ornament?” she asked.
- “We’re going to start a new tradition,” Josh replied. He vowed that each Christmas they would add a vegetable ornament to the tree for George.
- “It made me laugh,” his mother said.
- Redner said she’s not sure why Josh suggested vegetables, but the family thinks it’s funny so they continue the tradition. Last year, a jalapeño pepper was added. This year, it’s a pickle.
- Redner decorates at George’s grave for most major holidays: Halloween, Easter, St. Patrick’s Day, Independence Day. She always finds something new that a friend or family member left there. Peanut-butter cups around Halloween. Shot glasses and green beads for St. Patrick’s Day.
- Her father is also buried at Resurrection. She now finds herself visiting his grave more often and decorating it for the holidays.
- “I used to avoid the cemetery,” she said. “Now, I’m up there all the time. I go around the corner and see him.”
- Friends and family love the tradition and adding to the collection, which remains until Dec. 30, when the family packs it away until next year. Like most cemeteries, Resurrection has rules about holiday grave decorations, and they must be removed by Jan. 1.
- Several dozen other graves were seen to be covered with decorations Friday.
- While it doesn’t stop the pain of her family’s loss, it does give them someone else to focus on for a little while, at least.
- “It’s our way of making them part of here,” Redner said. “They’re still making me smile. There is always a new story every time.”
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Decorating for the dead at Christmas: ‘It’s our way of making them part of here’
Posted Dec. 24, 2017
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